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Tips for visitors staying with friends or family.

Rule One. Never, ever arrive between the hours of 20.00h and 08.00h. You may save 50 pounds on the flight, but your will be off to a bad start. Oh, and hire a car, don't asked to be collected from the airport.
Rule Two. At the first opportunity, drive to the local supermarket and stock the fridge and larder with all that you will need for your stay, beers, wines, brandies, meat, fish, bread, butter, your favourite snacks...everything! If the shops are closed for the first part of your stay, don't drink the good beers and fine rioja wines from your hosts stock, then when the shops open, head straight to Lidl supermarket and replace them with 25 cents a can beer, or the cartons of acidic wines, that are only good for cooking.
Rule Three. Your hosts are not on holiday. You and your family are here to relax and enjoy yourselves. Their home is not an hotel. Go off on a day trip on your own, with your children. Don't just wake up, shower, eat breakfast then ask your hosts, 'Where and what have you arranged for us to do today?'
Rule Four. Your hosts may not want to stay up until three in the morning drinking wine and then lie in bed until midday, your hosts live here all year and are retired or working, you and your family are on holiday.
Rule Five. Take your hosts out at least twice in a week, for a special meal, no, not a 7 euro menu at the local Chinese. Remember, hosts that are cooking for you and your family every day is hard work.
Rule Six. Never, never ask for a box to take home all the food and the drink that you didn't use during your visit. This will guarantee, the end of the friendship or family relationship for at least 5 years, if not forever.
- Rule Seven. Do not say to your hosts if the weather is bad (as your hosts are not friends of Michael Fish, and even he got it wrong in 1987!) 'If we could afford it, we would have gone home days ago' Normally, it rains every day, while your visitors are in Spain and the day they leave, the sun suddenly reappears.
- Rule Eight. On the last night at midnight, do not say 'We've just realised we've not taken you out for a meal to say thanks, we'll have to do it when we get home' Which means 'It rained that much we don't think you deserve a free meal, even though we haven't twigged it costs a quarter of a tank of gas for central heating and lighting and TV, which we just took for granted'
- Rule Nine. Spain is home to your hosts. While your are being driven to Guadalest, don't comment that the Spanish don't speak English, and that they drive too fast, or that the scenery in Cyprus or Turkey is more beautiful.
- Rule Ten. On leaving, don't say 'Oh well, we probably won't see you for a few years. Now that we have been to Spain. We are off to our new friends villa in Italy next year'
Oh and is 9 toilet rolls considered normal for a family of four for 7 days? I'm cutting up the Costa Blanca News from now on as a savings initiative plan for our guests.
Tips for hosts. Encourage your guests to read these ten rules, one week before their visit. If they don't arrive or cancel their holiday.....you would have fallen out anyway!!